All

Don’t feel judged, feel nudged.

How se­ri­ous, on a scale from pud­ding to death?

We’re smok­ing on all cylin­ders now!

My dad:

I like the jib of your chin.

Even a stopped duck quacks twice a day.

“Us li­ons.”

A short duck with a sud­den suck

Reading is star­ing at marked slices of a tree, hal­lu­ci­nat­ing vividly.

• Katie Oldham

My at­tempt at a Wodehousian char­ac­ter ob­ser­va­tion:

He was the sort of man who blew his nose and then ex­am­ined his hand­ker­chief with in­ter­est.

I’m sorry to be the Baron of Bad News

From a Japanese Christmas card:

In this peace­ful sea­son, in these beau­ti­ful days, I de­cide to pre­sent you with my heartly miss and suit­able bless.

I’m the Laura Ingalls Wilder of non­sen­si­cal analo­gies.

I have the hunger of one thou­sand tiny men, each one thou­sand times smaller than an or­di­nary man.

If I be­came a pi­rate in India, I would call my­self, “Jolly Rajah”.

I knew you cared, I just did­n’t know how much.

Everyone ig­nores the first “R” in “February”. I like to add one to make up for it. Frebruary.

Million-dollar idea: kan­ga­roo pants